When families struggle, we tend to think of ourselves as unique in a bad way, but we’re not. Many families find themselves right where you are now: confused, searching for healing, and reaching out for help. We spend hours online looking for a solution. We may even seek advice from caring friends whose opinions are unsupported by experience. But when it comes to placing your child in a therapeutic program, you want to be able to trust the program and the process absolutely. This is where I come in. My depth of knowledge and familiarity with the programs I recommend allows me to assure you that if I recommend it, it will be the right place for your child to start to heal.

The healing process takes time. It depends upon each diagnosis, each child, and each family. While the therapeutic placements I recommend are very specific to these three factors, the amount of time it takes to bring about positive change is also unique to each person. It cannot be rushed as it is dependent upon the attitude, effort, and commitment of the student. The amount of support they feel is also critical to moving things forward.

Learning to trust the process also takes time and patience. Because I am in frequent regular communication with my families, we gain and build trust early on making some of that time easier. As we talk about and address each of your concerns, some of your skepticism will lift.

The biggest part of trusting the process is learning to let go. Placing your child in a therapeutic boarding program (or even one that is close to home) can feel contrary to our instincts. As parents, we want to keep our loved ones close when the opposite is what’s indicated.

I understand your hesitation. Through open, regular, and honest communication I will provide guidance, recommend readings that are relevant to your situation, and when appropriate, encourage your participation in my Parents’ Group. Airing your thoughts in a supportive setting, listening, telling your own stories, and knowing that your concerns are being heard—and in many cases shared—can also bring more acceptance and trust to the process.

Trusting the process may not make it happen faster, but it will allay some of your anxieties and improve your experience and possibly your child’s experience, too. Together we will start to recognize and celebrate small incremental victories thus underscoring the feeling that you are doing the right thing.

We are all familiar with the niceties of splitting a sandwich or splitting the bill after a supper out. It’s common, even friendly. Most of us are not as familiar with the ‘splitting’ some teens do when they’re stressed or feeling pressured. This splitting is a form of manipulation often used by children to pit one parent against the other. It can be particularly amplified in blended families and in families in which the parents are no longer a couple. Big changes can exacerbate the degree of manipulation.

According to Psychology Today, “Splitting occurs in two forms:  First, in an effort to enlist the child, a parent may present himself or herself as the good parent and the other as the bad parent. Second, a child may learn to play parents against each other or split them for secondary gains.” In the second example, the behavior is part of a child’s attempt to gain some control over their life. This is natural and can be a healthy part of individuation and growing up…until it becomes manipulative and destructive.   

Your child has been watching you their entire life and knows how to push your buttons. They know which parent is a softie, which is the disciplinarian, and will use that knowledge to get their way. Because your child is a pro at manipulating you, it is of utmost importance that you and your co-parent be unified. The power of that unity can pave the way for an easier relationship with your child and can start to engender trust.

Here are some important aspects of getting together behind your child’s long-term well-being:

Communicate – Good communication is essential. If your child is trying to split you, make sure they know that you know. Communicate that knowledge in a unified way such as: “We really don’t like it that you asked both of us separately without telling us.”

Be Respectful – Stand up for one another. The greatest thing you can do to curb splitting is to show that you respect and even admire the other parent. This is certainly harder to do if you are no longer together but let your child’s well-being take precedent.

Don’t be Afraid to Differ – Even happy couples differ. It’s natural to differ. But when you do, make sure to air your differences outside of the presence of your child.

Choose a Plan and Stick With it – You both have to decide what the plan is and follow it through. Do your homework, have some ready data to back up your plan. This is where I can help.

Plan in Advance How to Appear United – You will reduce your vulnerability by presenting a unified front. Being respectful (above) will strengthen your position.

Be Willing to Compromise (to a point) – Compromise is a critical component of any healthy relationship. It shows your willingness to see the other person’s perspective in order to find middle ground. Compromise, no matter how small, will make your child feel recognized, heard, and appreciated. That feeling cannot be underestimated.

When is right time to send your child to a therapeutic program or boarding school? The simple answer is now. If you are reading this blog post, it might very well be time to make a significant change in your family’s life.

The right time to enroll your child in a therapeutic program or boarding school is different for each child, but when you’ve exhausted all of your local resources and tried everything and realize that nothing seems to be working, it’s time to make a change.

Individuation is part of human development. It is the process by which a young person starts to become who they are meant to be as an adult. But when that process becomes mired in negative, harmful, or destructive behaviors, it’s time to change your approach. When you’ve tried outpatient therapists and psychiatrists, when school is not working, when medications don’t seem to be working, when your family dynamics aren’t working, when there is chaos in the home, it’s time to make a change. When a child’s immediate safety is threatened by their behavior, it’s time to make a change.

But “sending them away” might feel like you have failed as a parent. It goes against your natural instincts to keep your loved ones close. When you add up all of those sleepless nights of worry and feelings of helplessness about your child; all those feelings of stress and overwhelm, you start to realize that you need help.

Enrolling your child in a program can be the bravest act of love you can commit. By removing your child from an environment and circumstances that might exacerbate their unhappiness, you are giving them the opportunity to gain a new perspective and a greater chance for healing.

According to Psychology Today, boarding school [or a therapeutic program] can replace negative influences with positive ones. “I’m always awed by the positive impact role models can make in a troubled kid’s life…Teenagers crave adults that they can look up to. Counselors and older peers at [therapeutic] boarding school often fill this need and offer kids a chance to make better choices.”

If you are wondering about the right time to send your child to a program, give me a call. We’ll figure it out together.